


Vigil

by rosweldrmr



Series: Balance Series [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 20:45:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3583410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosweldrmr/pseuds/rosweldrmr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He says he’s sorry. But he’s already apologized so many times, it's begun to lose all meaning. She wants to forgive him, ease the burden of her death, but she doesn’t know how.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vigil

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ivorygraves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivorygraves/gifts).



> This takes place in the [Balance](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3580167) universe. I recommend you start with that first and then read the rest of the [Balance Universe](http://archiveofourown.org/series/230973) fics. These are all written as bonus fics for [Ivy](ivorygraves.tumblr.com). You are my bae, my gurl, my homeslice and midnight fandom partner. Let's go on a road trip together!

\--

Allison’s ghost watches from the hillside of her grave. Stiles is visiting again today, as he has almost everyday for months. Allison wonders if Scott knows, or Lydia. She wonders if any of them can see the way he's withering away.

He tells her about his nightmares. He dreams of her every night. Or rather, he is haunted by nightmares of her death every night. Sometimes he watches her die, sometimes he runs her through himself. Sometimes he makes Scott do it. There are thousands of ways he watches her die. And it seems cruel, even to Allison, than anyone should have experience it so many times. It can’t be healthy.

And she knows it’s not. She knows because she can see the dark bruises under his eyes getting worse. The way he gets paranoid and thin and full of so much rage and hatred she fears he might lose himself to it.

He says he’s sorry. But he’s already apologized so many times, it's begun to lose all meaning. She wants to forgive him, ease the burden of her death, but she doesn’t know how. She knows Lydia is trying, but she hasn’t been able to communicate yet. And Stiles needs help now.

He’s drowning under the weight of his own guilt.

He’s crying today. He doesn’t cry everyday. Sometimes he is silent, lost in thought. Sometimes he sits in the grass and picks the blades apart, making confetti of them. Sometimes he tells her about his mom, about his dad’s drinking, summers with his grandparents. He tells her about his pet snake, and camping trips.

He tells her his memories of her. Recounts with shocking clarity a timeline of her life, where their lives intersected. All the times he and Scott tried to hide the truth from her. He tells her about his brief crush, and quickly falls into another fit of guilt. Because he liked her for a few weeks last year when Scott and she were just starting to get closer.

He says he feels like he’s betraying Scott because he can’t move on. He asks her why he isn’t dead. Why he survived when she didn’t.

Allison knows more about his life in now than she ever did when she was alive. And that strikes her as tragic, as wrong. They were allies when they could have been so much more. She should have gone to him after her mother died, rather than letting Gerard fill her hate with lies, molding her into a weapon. How differently would things have turned out for them?

It’s the questions that seem the saddest to her. When he asks her what it’s like where she is. Is she happy. If he died would he go where she is or somewhere else. He asks her if she found her mother. If she’s seen his. If his mom is ashamed of him, if hers was proud of her.

And these are the things that torment Allison, because even in death she can’t answer them. Maybe something went wrong when she died. Maybe there was a light she was supposed to follow. But she got lost and ended up here. Trapped in between somewhere, unable to move on. Maybe it’s because she knows she’s still needed. She has unfinished business with the living.

She can see the way Stiles pulls away from the world, trying to shut out the dark that creeps in his heart. She should have been there, to help him.

But now she’s dead, and he blames himself.

\--

Lydia can hear a thud. She’s sitting on Derek’s couch, the book in her lap forgotten.

“What is it?” he asks, and she wonders how he knows.

“Something’s falling,” she tells him.

But it just gets louder and louder.

_Thud. Thud. Thud._

It's a familiar noise. The sound of a body hitting the floor.

_Thud. Thud. Thud._

“Tell me!” Lydia screams into the void.

_Thud. Thud. Thud._

She takes a deep breath and quiets her mind. Thinks of a blank white wall in a brightly lit blank white room. White floor, white ceiling, no furniture. And she's standing in the middle, _listening_. The bodies fall like hail[.](http://www.navk.ca/post/71087156277) All around her, they pile up. Skulls and limbs and lifeless eyes that cannot see. And suddenly her blank white room is covered in the Dead. She’s standing in a graveyard of her own making. She beckoned them to her, Called for a secret she didn’t understand.

All around her, they moan and reach for her. Fresh and unmourned, she tiptoes around them as they sing to her of nightmares and guilt. Unable to escape them, Lydia draws into herself. Retreats to the part of her that is still untouched by death. Where the quiet in her chest lives[.](http://alonesomes.tumblr.com/post/81134109172)

“Someone is going to die,” she tells Derek once she’s managed to pull herself free. His ears are bleeding.

\--

Stiles isn’t crying today. Today he’s quiet. He sits at her grave, his hand on her tombstone. He’s tracing the letters of her name in the black marble.

“Thought I might find you here,” Derek greets him and Stiles doesn’t move.

“What?” he asks.

“You’re having nightmares too, aren’t you?”

Stiles turns to look at him and squints in the sun. Allison moves closer, as if distance were a limiting factor in what she could hear.

“What’s wrong with me?” he cries now, and Allison’s heart breaks. She never wanted this. She never wanted him to keep a solitary vigil at her grave. She didn’t want him to waste away mourning her and hating himself. She doesn’t want him to die.

“I think we need to talk to Melissa,” Derek says and offers his hand.

And when Stiles reaches up to accept it, Allison reaches out. She knows she won’t be able to touch him, to tell him it’s okay. To explain that she died to protect the people she loved. That she doesn’t blame him. There are so many things she wants to tell him. But for now, she will wait.

Soon, Lydia will be strong enough to see her. And then she will finally be able to say all the things that need to be said.

She will wait. Because Stiles deserves forgiveness. He deserves happiness and love. And that is worth waiting for.


End file.
